Today, my sister has turned 9. Time flew by so fast. I still think of her as a three-year old who needs help putting her clothes on, but now she reminds me that help is no longer needed (unless it’s a complicated garment).
So, for her 9th birthday, I wanted to write a letter to her. When she is able to understand its contents, I will show it to her.
My Dearest Baby Sister,
You have become such a beautiful girl, growing each and everyday, making me laugh and enjoy life. I can’t wait to see how you are at age 15, which was how old I was when you were born (keep in mind I will be 30, so try not to rub in how young you are). I can’t imagine my life without you in it and I cherish every moment we spend together.
The thing I remember most is how we would watch Cars together almost every night before going to bed. We would get your cute three-year old self ready and turn on the movie while I started in on homework. You would fall asleep well before the movie ended.
After finishing my homework, I would make sure you were warm enough, kiss you on the cheek, and fall asleep next to you. I’m glad we can still have nights like that.
Unfortunately, the most devastating time in both of our lives was when we lost our mom.
It’s amazing how much you look like mom with your curly light brown hair, delicate complexion, and green eyes. I truly wish I could go back in time to prevent the loss we have endured and the pain that still resides in our hearts. You of all people deserved more time with her because frankly four years wasn’t enough.
Even though you didn’t get a chance to really know her, she loved you with all her heart. You came during a time of struggle for us and brought joy to our family. I know when mom was having a bad day, she would hold you in her arms, kiss your forehead, and forget all that was around her, focusing only on you.
I would frequently find both of you asleep on the couch after school. Your thumb would be in your mouth and mom would have her arms wrapped tightly around you. Both of you looked so peaceful. This image of the two of you will forever be with me.
While mom cannot be here in person, just know that I will be. You can count on me to give you advice, help guide you in the right direction, and be your cheerleader…just like mom would have been.
You are everything to me baby sister. I love you with all my heart and soul.
For those of you that follow my blog, you know I talk about my mother’s passing quite often. If you are new to my blog, first off welcome and thank you for supporting my writing.
To bring the newbies up to speed, my mother Lisa Miller passed away in September 2008. Coping with her loss has been difficult and has caused an inner struggle for me, mainly because of our deteriorating relationship and the environment I had to grow up in.
Today, I want to talk a bit about what it was like growing up with my mother….the good and the bad.
The first childhood memory I can think of is my mom being lifted into an ambulance. I was probably between 6 and 8 years old, looking out my window with no real understanding of what was going on. With tears running down my face one of the paramedics came up to my window, took my hand (my window had no screen on it), and said, “your mommy’s going to be ok, don’t worry”.
Not sure if this trip in the ambulance led to her going to rehab, but that’s what happened after. From that point on, it was clear (to me) that my mom had a problem with prescription drugs and on occasion other drugs.
My mother and I in 1989
After my parents divorced, she often had people over who were obviously her drug dealers. These people always made me uncomfortable to be at home, so I would avoid it as much as possible by going to friend’s houses, staying with my cousin, and doing extra curricular activities in school.
When my youngest sister was born, our relationship took a drastic downhill plunge. I came to resent her because of what she put onto my shoulders and that it never seemed like she wanted to get better. A 15-year-old shouldn’t have to share a room with her newborn sister. Don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for my sister, but I would have liked sleeping through the night during my teenage years.
When my sister would start crying in the middle of the night, I would go to my mom’s room and try to wake her up so my sister could get fed. Many times I would have to do it myself because either my mom was on something or she was just too tired and asked me to do it. I can’t tell you how many times I would go to school on 2-3 hours of sleep.
My sister and I in 2006
I was taking care of my sister so much she actually started calling me “Sissy Mamma”. My mom was hurt by this, but I told her, “What do you expect? When I’m not in school I’m watching her all the time.”
Once we moved from the east side of Palmdale to the west, during my freshman year of highschool, her addiction to prescriptions became noticeably worse. One one occasion, I came home from school, my stepdad was at work, and she was sleeping on the couch (obviously on something). It wouldn’t have bothered me as much if my 3-year-old sister wasn’t running around with no baby gates up and saying she was hungry.
By the time I was a senior my mom checked herself into the mental ward at the hospital. I came home and an ambulance was in front of our house and a police officer was sitting at our table writing down all her prescriptions.
Afterward, my dad got custody of my other sister and brother. I was old enough to decide where to stay. I had no other choice than to stay at my mom’s house because who was going to watch my baby sister. So, while my mom was in the hospital I watched my sister everyday after school and on weekends, while my stepdad went to work.
Rayah and I after a long day
At this point, you probably think my mother was some horrible person, but I know that she was never in the right state of mind. She had a really tough life growing up, to the point that it caused her to have extreme depression. I won’t go into detail about that.
I will say, that even though my mom had problems, she was a loving mother. She would never go a day without saying she loved us and always supported everything we wanted to do. I could have told her that I wanted to build a spaceship and she would have been cheering me on from the sidelines.
She hung our report cards on the fridge, would show off our A+ papers, and would help us with homework if we asked. When I was in the 5th grade she stayed up all night helping me with my California Mission project because I waited until the last-minute to do it.
I know that she wanted more for us than what she was able to give and she knew that her children would go on to do great things. Her belief in us is part of the reason why I push myself for more.
Mom and I Halloween 2006
While I didn’t grow up like a normal kid, I learned a lot of valuable lessons that some don’t even encounter until later in life. I think it spurred my motivation to accomplish my dreams.
I don’t want to go through life living off of hand me down clothes, eating ramen noodles for each meal, and living pay check to pay check. I don’t want my future children to have to pay for college or stress about money while trying to finish a 50 page assignment. I will never go back to that. I want a comfortable, satisfying life.
I 100% believe that how you grow up and who you grow up with defines who you will become in the future, whether good or bad. Unfortunately, my mom didn’t overcome her childhood struggles whereas I took it as my motivation to reach for the stars.
A year ago today, I posted my 23 birthday goals. Now that I am 24, it’s time to update them. I accomplished quite a few things in the last year, so I had to add new ones. There are also on-going goals I have accomplished, but will continue to pursue this coming year. It is important for me to set goals, no matter how small, because it gives me something to work towards.
So, here are my 24 Birthday Goals updated from my 23rd Birthday Goals:
Get a new car ACCOMPLISHED (New Goal: Pay off my car)
Get toned
Get a new swim suit(s) ACCOMPLISHED (New Goal: Get a tan)
Try sushi
Get a new computer IN JULY OR AUGUST
Travel THREE TRIPS SCHEDULED THIS YEAR (DISNEY WORLD, HAWAII, & ONE BUSINESS TRIP TO NJ IN SEPTEMBER)
Hike to upper Yosemite falls
Read all the Nicolas Sparks and Mary Higgins Clark books READ ALL THE NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOKS (NEED TO READ THE ONE COMING OUT IN SEPTEMBER)
Run a full marathon
Graduate from the Woodbury University MBA program ACCOMPLISHED (New Goal: Get my CPCU)
New Goal: Move up in my career at work
Finish my book WORKING ON TWO BOOKS RIGHT NOW
Start my retail business
Expand my business consulting services ACCOMPLISHED (New Goal: Get more clients for my business)
Pay off my student loans
Get my own place ACCOMPLISHED (New Goal: Save money, on-going goal)
Buy a house
Get married
Get my Ph.D
Have children
Teach entrepreneurship at a university
Save up enough money to pay for my youngest sister’s college tuition
Expand my philanthropy for my Alma Mater Woodbury University and other non-profit organizations ACCOMPLISHED & ON-GOING GOAL
Create a scholarship fund for students who have lost a parent from prescription drug addiction
A lot of things in life are unfair. At seven, its unfair when your sister doesn’t have to help clean the bedroom. At thirteen, its unfair that you can’t go to a birthday party when all the other kids are. At seventeen, its unfair that all your friends can drive, but you can’t.
In retrospect, these things don’t really matter. What really matters, is family. So, the most unfair thing in life is losing someone close to you. I know what its like to lose someone and so do many other people, such as Matthew Logelin. Matt is the author of the memoir titled, “Two Kisses for Maddy”. If you get a chance I would highly recommend reading it.
It is about the emotional rollercoaster of a man whose child was born pre-mature and less than 24 hours later, his wife passes without ever having held her child. It is a truly inspirational story of how a single dad raised his daughter while trying to cope with a tragic loss.
Much of his book really hit home for me in the sense that my mother was taken from us while my sister was so young. Rayah was only four when our mother passed. She didn’t get a chance to really know her and I feel as though the only memories she will have are the ones we tell her.
It’s so unfair that I got to spend 19 years with her and I was able to grow up with a mother in my life. My sister doesn’t have that constant mother figure in her life. She is having to grow without our mother’s love and support.
Rayah understands that our mother is in heaven now and she has been coping in a way that I will never know or experience. I couldn’t imagine being in Elementary school and having to explain to my classmates that my mom is gone or what it feels like not being a part of the Mother’s Day projects.
When she was younger, I don’t think the concept of death was really there yet. She didn’t know and still doesn’t completely know the social etiquette when discussing death. That was usually clear when her and I were out in public alone together. There was one instance when Rayah and I were at a mall…she was about five.
A sales rep promoting a hair straightener asked if he could use it on me. With time to kill I said ok. In the process of doing my hair the sales rep asked Rayah, “Doesn’t your mommy’s hair look so pretty?”
Rayah replied, “My mommy’s dead. This is my sissy.” She said it so matter of fact that it hurt my heart hearing it…and embarrassed the sales rep who didn’t speak another word until we left.
The older she gets, the more questions she asks. She has asked me about my mother’s “skeleton”being buried. I had to explain to an 8-year-old about why there were no bones in our mother’s grave because we instead cremated her. Looking at her face while I tried to explain it to her almost made me burst into tears.
Questions like this are really tough for me, but I know that she needs an answer. She wants to understand and know who her mother is and I want to give her that, no matter how hard it is for me.
Yes, I think about all the things in my life where mom won’t be here, but Rayah hasn’t had our mom for anything passed the age of four.
My mom should have been taking her to her first day of Kindergarten. Signing her up for a sport and watching her team win games. Helping her with her first big project in school. All of these things in Rayah’s life should have had my mother in it.
I know what joy it brings to a child’s life to have her mother and if I could, I would trade all the days I had with her, just so Rayah could have them.
One of the few pictures I have of my sister and mother
I recently got my student loan information in the mail…and needless to say, I was extremely upset. I literally made a copy just so I can rip it up! Yes, with the student loans, I was able to gain an education that will allow me to go farther in my career than most people, but when the repayment information comes, it just SUCKS!
It is a long process to make sure that I am not having to make $500 payments per month, which let’s be real, no recent college graduate can make that high of a payment. All I could say when I saw that is…Are they F***** INSANE!
Having federal and private loans add more frustration, as I have to fill out paperwork and figure out a payment plan with two separate loan servicers who have two different ways of doing things.
For my federal loans, I first had to consolidate the 13 individual loans so that I am not making separate payments for each. Let’s just say, in order to qualify for federal loan consolidation you must have more than a $50,000 balance combined. Yea…I have more than that.
I am now just waiting for them to process this so that I can finalize a payment plan and set up automatic payments. Wish me luck on this. For those of you in a similar situation, I would highly recommend automatic payments because most loan servicers offer a deduction on the interest rate.
I have finally figured things out with my private loan servicer though, thank goodness. The only thing is that they never want me to start setting things up early, like my automatic payments. I was advised to wait until right before I make my first payment. It’s quite annoying because I wanted everything set-up and ready to go before the end of my grace period. Look out for this when you are trying to figure out your repayment options.
Don’t take my ranting about student loans to mean I regret going to college. In fact, I enjoyed my college experience and having my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees have opened up more doors for me than without them. I know a lot more about the business world because of what I learned in college and it prepared me for a career.
So, you will know when I am done paying off my loans, because I will probably submit a post that simply says…STUDENT LOANS FINALLY PAID OFF!! Look out for this post 30-40 years from now. Haha.
If you have any questions about the student loan process, please feel free to write a comment. I will offer as much advice as I can.
It’s been almost 5 years since I lost my mother. I was only 19 years old. I made funeral arrangements such as picking out an urn, putting together a playlist, and creating a collage of photographs so people could see the life my mother had lived.
It was a time of my life that became more of a blur. Family and friends came and went to help and console. I was thankful, but probably didn’t show it then.
Now, I can say that with each passing day it gets easier, but the pain doesn’t truly go away. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. Then it became less frequent and I would only cry on Mother’s Day, her birthday, and the anniversary of her death.
With much surprise though, Mother’s Day passed this year with no tears shed. I have conflicting feelings about this. On one hand, I enjoyed sleeping soundly and not waking up with a searing headache. Then I think, shouldn’t I still be mourning my mother? Does not crying mean I don’t care anymore? For a split second, I felt guilty, but then again I know I shouldn’t have. I know that time has finally brought me peace, something my mother would want me to have.
While my mother being gone is a horrible tragedy, I know that I can’t go on being sad all the time. It will drive me crazy…and those of the people close to me.
So, I will no longer feel bad when big events pass by and I don’t cry my eyes out. Instead, they may water a bit while I think back about things like how we spent hours watching Friends. Or when she would come into my bedroom the morning of my birthday to sing to me. She taught me how to make her Thanksgiving deviled eggs explaining each step so that I would understand it. I have happily accepted the job of making these now that she is gone.
I do wish that my mother was here to see all that I have accomplished. At my college graduation I pictured her jumping up and down screaming when my name was called, then sitting down a crying a bit because she was proud.
I can tell far in advance that certain events in my life will be difficult without her like going shopping for a wedding dress or picking out baby clothes for her grandchild. I know she will be with me in my heart, but I would love to see her face.
So, while time has healed this wound, what’s left is a scar that’s there to remind me of what I have lost. My dearest mother Lisa.
Since 2008, every year on September 20th I am completely numb to the world. I walk around in a daze wondering what I could have done different. What I could have done better. People talk to me, but I am lost in thought and unable to clear my head of the memories I wish I could relive. As every year passes, it becomes easier to deal with, but the pain never subsides. Burying the pain is not an option, I can only confront it.
So what is the significance of this day you may wonder. It is a day I lost someone dear to my heart. Someone that taught me how to walk. Someone that loved me with every inch of her soul. A woman who watched me grow….
Gone are the eyes that watched me grow The eyes that were able to see into my soul Together we climbed mountains and made it through the pain Only to find out that someday it would be forever changed
As you’ve gotten weaker, I’ve gotten stronger Able to take care of myself even though I didn’t want to
You’d be proud of my wit, my confidence and my charm People say I’m just like you and I know all about your charms The eyes are in my heart, the eyes that saw my soul But gone are the beautiful eyes, the eyes that watched me grow
Valarie M. Shea
It is on this day that I lost my dearest mother. Words cannot describe how I felt that day four years ago, but it was like a piece of me died too. We may not have been close as I got older, but she was still my mother and she loved me with all her heart…as I loved her. I wish the issues between us had been resolved, but all I can do is believe she knows how much I love her.
As everyone knows, I am in the process of writing a book. I am hoping that my book will be an inspiration to people who have ever had to deal with what life throws at them. Today, I am giving you a sneak peek of a few chapters. Please don’t hesitate to give me your opinion.
It’s amazing how fast time flies. Before you know it you’re twenty-two years old and wondering where your life is headed. Twenty-two is a young age, but a lot can happen in that small amount of time. Life happens…you fall in love, celebrate with family, grieve deaths, and continue living day by day. All the time you live, you never realize the lessons you learn from all your experiences whether they are good or bad. People choose their own paths and no matter where you are from, the lessons are the same. You can come from a poor family and end up poor yourself or you can take that experience to make a different future for yourself. There are people who are given everything on a silver spoon and end up criminals instead of using what they are given for good. No matter the person, the family, or the situation it is what you take from it and what you make of yourself. Nobody can make you successful…only you have the power to make a name for yourself. If obstacles are presented just get through them and keep going. Don’t make any obstacle the reason you stop fighting to make your dreams come true.
I walk into the house and see many of my family members dispersed in the living room. To the left, at the dining room table sits a police officer recording all of my mother’s medication into his notepad. There are so many. Bottles containing pills of all different sizes and colors. I had no idea how many different types one person could have. Looking at the vast amount of medication reminds me just how my mother is or was. A prescription drug addict. How could I have not seen that this was coming? I somehow knew that her addiction would catch up to her. But not this early. She is supposed to be alive. Now Rayah is going to grow up without a mother and it’s her fault. I told her over and over that she needs to stop this. Stop taking her pills. Stop buying them from her friends. Just stop, stop, stop this horrible habit! But no…that never happened.
My entire life was set around her addiction to something. Going to rehab when I was a child. Taking hard core drugs when I was a teenager. Then finally checking herself into the mental ward of the hospital. No matter what, she always went back and got worse than before. It’s as if she didn’t care what would happen to her children if this addiction went too far. My problems with her have only increased the guilt I have. I never wanted to see her or talk to her. Didn’t want anything to do with her while she was hooked. It was a strong resentment I had towards her…and nothing was fixed and never will be between us.
As I am going through the hope chest that contained my mother’s most precious possessions and memories, I came across a short letter addressed to me.
This letter said:
Dear Danielle,
I just wanted you to know how special you are to me. God blessed me when he gave you to me. You are a special girl and you should know that. Please always remember that. Even when mom has problems she thinks of you. You can always make my day sunnier and bright. You are so smart and kind. Keep being you. You are so important in my life. Without you my life would not be complete. I love you so much. Thank you for being you, the wonderful person you are. I love you, Mom.
I immediately started to cry. It has really hit me that I treated her so horribly toward the end. We never had the chance to resolve the issues between each other.
Every student has a story. Even a campus as small as Woodbury University has a diverse background with students from different countries and cities. Some students are from Italy while others grew up five minutes away. The point is everyone is different, but everyone also has the same thing in common…they are working towards their education.
I want to put the spotlight on current students with differing backgrounds. My first interview is with Jacob Fuertes, a Woodbury University graphic design student. I met Jacob in February of 2012 when I was interviewing him for a position with the Woodbury University Phon-A-Thon. I instantly knew that he would be a great addition to the team with his great work ethic and energetic personality.
The Pacoima native is currently in his second year of the graphic design program at Woodbury University and he agreed to answer a few of my questions about being a college student.
Q: What do you like most about Woodbury University?
What I like about Woodbury University would have to be the size of the campus. The reason for that is a student fresh out of high school it’s easier to cope with the transfer from high school to college due to the size and not becoming overwhelmed.
Q: Do you work? If so, tell me about your job(s)?
Due to my hectic class hours it became hard for me to find a job out side of school. However, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful job on campus with the Phon-A-Thon with great people!=)
Q: What is it like being a full-time student and working?
Well at times it can become very overwhelming, for me the days would begin to blend together, but thanks to the support of family and loved ones it made it easier to keep a leveled head.
Q: What are your plans after graduation?
After graduation I know most of my classmates will continue on with there education, but for me that is the moment I start my life as a true adult. Meaning finding work and leaving my mark in the world every where I go.
Q: What is your most memorable moment at Woodbury?
The most memorable would be my first day at Woodbury because I remember I was running late and was scared of making a bad impression the first day. So like a freshman I was running all over campus not knowing where the classroom was until I ran into a student from SOAR and he pointed me to right direction.
Q: What was you favorite class and why?
So far I would say Digital Practice. The reason for that is because it gave me an idea of the different programs that I would be using in my major. Plus we had a really cool teacher (Brian Herbberts).
Q: What are the goals you have from now until graduation?
My goals is to keep my grade point average up because with that I receive a grant from the school. Also to make great friends and making those connections that might come in handy in the future.
Q: Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Hmm in 10yrs. I hope I have a great job and a house of my own, but honestly I’m not completely sure. When I get there I’ll let you know=)
Q: What advice do you have for incoming college students?
My only advise would be hit the ground running, give 100% of your effort and you will get 100% in return. Keep in mind no one can make it in life with out an education!! Also if money is tight try to finish general ed. or classes at community colleges, but do it a month before summer break so you the best chance in getting in.
Jacob is an amazing student and I am really glad I had the chance to work with him in the spring. I truly believe that he will do great things in the future and during his time at Woodbury. 🙂
Please let me know about your college experience or if you would like to be interviewed for my blog. Thank you again Jacob!!!
It is sad to say that I will actually be leaving my job at Woodbury University. In the spring of 2008, I started working as a Phon-A-Thon Ambassador for the Development Office. Working in this role gave me a strong sense of pride. I was helping my University. A University I have come to love.
After some time working as a Phon-A-Thon Ambassador, I took on the role of Student Supervisor. This position came with more responsibilities and was more time consuming, but it was something I loved doing and was extremely passionate about. This is the position I am leaving behind to other deserving students, as this job is a privilege to hold. I have learned so much from my time working with the Phon-A-Thon and I wouldn’t trade a single day of it.
The people I have come to know are more like family. I care about them, respect them, and enjoy their company. I will never forget my fellow colleagues in the Office of Development & Alumni Relations. I am grateful for what they all have taught me and for making my days so much more exciting. I will truly miss working with all of you!
The 20+ Phon-A-Thon Ambassadors I personally supervised have made working so much fun. I always enjoyed hearing everyone’s stories, laughing, eating, and working towards a common goal. The fact that a few of you have surpassed my fundraising record makes me so happy. I will miss all of you. I am very proud to say that I supervised several groups of dedicated Phon-A-Thon Ambassadors who will go on to do great things in the future.
While I am thrilled to be starting a new chapter in my life, I will miss the Phon-A-Thon dearly. It had become a home away from home over the years. Even though I am leaving, I know that the Phon-A-Thon will be in capable hands. I trust that the next Student Supervisor will proudly take the reins and make the Phon-A-Thon better.
I may be leaving Woodbury as a student worker, but I will never leave the University as a supporter. I am proud to have worked for the Woodbury University Phon-A-Thon and I am proud to be an Alumnae. I will continue supporting the University, but in other ways now. Thank you to everyone! 🙂
Stories Unfolded 