Tag Archives: love

Remembering My Mother

Today marks the 6th anniversary of my mother passing.  I feel like it should be easier the sixth time around, but this year hurts more than the last few.  I’m constantly dreaming of her now and I know it’s because of all the wedding planning I’m doing.

In one dream, I’m standing in front of a full length mirror wearing my wedding dress and veil.  I turn to head down the isle when my veil gets snagged and rips.  I start to cry and that’s when my mom appears to tell me everything will be all right.  Other dreams with her are about my upcoming nuptials, but there are the few that venture back to when she was alive.

I went on my first dress appointment by my myself because I wanted to be left with my own thoughts knowing I would be thinking of how my mom wasn’t there to see me.  Now, each time I see myself in my wedding dress, her face appears in my head and I have to choke back tears and sobs.  Planning the wedding of my dreams has caused these painful emotions to bubble up once again and I’m constantly trying not to think of the day she left us.

I keep telling myself “You know she’s with you right now, watching over you“, but it’s not fair that she isn’t physically here.  I would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and tell her about how our wedding is progressing.  To ask for her opinion on the type of flowers we should get or if I should wear my hair up or down.

I know that on one of the happiest days of my life, I won’t be standing in front of the full length mirror and see my mother’s reflection looking back at me.  She’ll just be living in my memory.

Knowing that I’m going to me marrying the man of my dreams makes it better and I know that she would have loved him.  I also have many family members and friends who will be with me to share in my happiness that day.  I will have my wonderful step-mother and future mother-in-law who have graciously taken the place of “mother” in my life.

I feel blessed and fortunate to have people in my life that care about me and love me.  I just wish my mom wasn’t gone.

Lisa Michelle Miller

November 9, 1963 – September 20, 2008

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It’s A Gift Being A Big Sister

For me, being a big sister can be a frustrating role to have, but can also be very rewarding.  I have three siblings…all are younger than me.  I would like to share a bit about each one of my them to show just how much they mean to me.

(From Left) Ariana, Joshua, Rayah, and Me

(From Left) Ariana, Joshua, Rayah, and Me

Ariana or Ari as we call her…she is quite the opposite of me in many ways.  She has blonde hair…I have brown.  She is short…I am tall.  Our tastes in music, shows, and movies are completely different, but I love her just the way she is.

Honestly, it would be kind of boring if we didn’t argue about what radio station to listen to while driving or who borrowed a shirt and didn’t return it.

I believe our relationship is like many other sisters who are close in age…she is three years younger than I am.  There is a competitiveness between us, which I am certain will always be there.  We always have to do things differently than the other, I would assume it’s so prove who is right and wrong.

Regardless of our differences, I have always had this strong urge to protect her from everything and everyone.  I made sure nobody picked on her…because that was my job.

When she was about 6, I remember she was playing outside.  I was listening to music at the babysitter’s house when she came in crying.  She told me she was swinging on the swings when an older girl started yelling at her to get off.  I was fuming!

We then proceeded to walk around the mobile home park to find this girl because she conveniently disappeared from the play ground.  We eventually found her and I gave her a piece of my mind, telling her to never talk to my sister like that again.  Don’t worry…I didn’t fight her or anything, but I know she wanted to.  I walked away knowing that I said what I wanted to say to her.

I consider Ari to be the other me.  When I can’t help my other two siblings, she is there for them.  Lately, she is able to do more for them than I can.  She understands that she is also a big sister…so she takes on the same role as I do for her.  Ari is a great big sister…and an amazing little sister.

Being there for each other is what bonds us.  Yes, we are different, but we will always be sisters.  I will always be there for her during good times and bad, supporting her decisions, and just having fun with her.

Ari is one of the most beautiful people I know.  Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well.  She will love unconditionally and want nothing in return.  I think she gets that from our mom.

Ariana and Me over the years.

Ariana and Me over the years.

Josh…my baby brother as I like to call him.  Let me just say that he is the greatest little brother a girl can have.  Even though he is younger, I know that he will be there for me.  If a guy is being a jerk…he will set him straight.  If I need someone to cry to…he listens.

One of the things I loved most about growing up with Josh is that we goofed around a lot together…and I mean a lot!  There would be many instances when we would lock ourselves in my room…blast some music…and dance in crazy, weird, and goofy ways until we were about to pass out.  This always gave us a good laugh…I miss it.

There are times when he needs me, but what he needs me for now was different from when he was little.  At three years old he needed me to help him when he fell down or when Ari was picking on him.  Now, he needs me to give him advice about girls, school, and work.  I like to be the one he comes to.

One thing that hasn’t changed with my brother is that he still calls me “Sis”.  I don’t know what it is, but I have always wanted my siblings to keep calling me “Sis” or “Sissy”.  It’s something that I consider special… or something that I long for as a big sister.

When Ari stopped calling me “Sis”, I was actually really sad and I had my brother promise that he will never stop…even when we are old wrinkly people.  He has kept that promise and I am sure will always keep it.

He doesn’t get embarrassed calling me this in front of his friends or in a public place and I am extremely grateful that he does this one thing for me that is dear to my heart.

Josh and Me over the years.

Josh and Me over the years.

Rayah…my baby sister, who is 15 years younger than me is my motivation for many things.  Since the day she was born, she has been a focal point in my life.  I would do anything for that little girl.

My mother gave me the honor of picking her first name and I picked one that was different…a name that wasn’t common.  I knew that she deserved something special because she is special.

The relationship with her is more like a mother daughter relationship.  I take care of her like a mother would when she is with me.  Teaching her new things about life.  Disciplining her as needed.

Now that our mother is gone it’s even more important for me to be there for her.  She will need someone to talk to about boys, about college, about marriage and children.  Being the oldest, I will be able to use my experience to help her because hopefully I will be married and have kids before she does and before I am an old maid.

It is my job to show her what life can be like and what opportunities she has.  It’s just about working hard to get them and having support from people who love you.  That’s what I will be for her.

Rayah and Me.

Rayah and Me.

Having my siblings is one of the greatest gifts I have.  It’s like having friends for life.  In good times and in bad we can count on each other to be there.  There will never be a time in our lives when we don’t see each other and together we will conquer anything.

Love You Always & Forever Ariana, Joshua, and Rayah. ❤

Life Can Be Unfair

A lot of things in life are unfair.  At seven, its unfair when your sister doesn’t have to help clean the bedroom.  At thirteen, its unfair that you can’t go to a birthday party when all the other kids are.  At seventeen, its unfair that all your friends can drive, but you can’t.

In retrospect, these things don’t really matter.  What really matters, is family.  So, the most unfair thing in life is losing someone close to you.  I know what its like to lose someone and so do many other people, such as Matthew Logelin.  Matt is the author of the memoir titled, “Two Kisses for Maddy”.  If you get a chance I would highly recommend reading it.

It is about the emotional rollercoaster of a man whose child was born pre-mature and less than 24 hours later, his wife passes without ever having held her child.  It is a truly inspirational story of how a single dad raised his daughter while trying to cope with a tragic loss.

Much of his book really hit home for me in the sense that my mother was taken from us while my sister was so young.  Rayah was only four when our mother passed.  She didn’t get a chance to really know her and I feel as though the only memories she will have are the ones we tell her.

It’s so unfair that I got to spend 19 years with her and I was able to grow up with a mother in my life.  My sister doesn’t have that constant mother figure in her life.  She is having to grow without our mother’s love and support.

Rayah understands that our mother is in heaven now and she has been coping in a way that I will never know or experience.  I couldn’t imagine being in Elementary school and having to explain to my classmates that my mom is gone or what it feels like not being a part of the Mother’s Day projects.

When she was younger, I don’t think the concept of death was really there yet.  She didn’t know and still doesn’t completely know the social etiquette when discussing death.  That was usually clear when her and I were out in public alone together.  There was one instance when Rayah and I were at a mall…she was about five.

A sales rep promoting a hair straightener asked if he could use it on me.  With time to kill I said ok.  In the process of doing my hair the sales rep asked Rayah, “Doesn’t your mommy’s hair look so pretty?”

Rayah replied, “My mommy’s dead.  This is my sissy.”  She said it so matter of fact that it hurt my heart hearing it…and embarrassed the sales rep who didn’t speak another word until we left.

The older she gets, the more questions she asks.  She has asked me about my mother’s “skeleton”being buried.  I had to explain to an 8-year-old about why there were no bones in our mother’s grave because we instead cremated her.  Looking at her face while I tried to explain it to her almost made me burst into tears.

Questions like this are really tough for me, but I know that she needs an answer.  She wants to understand and know who her mother is and I want to give her that, no matter how hard it is for me.

Yes, I think about all the things in my life where mom won’t be here, but Rayah hasn’t had our mom for anything passed the age of four.

My mom should have been taking her to her first day of Kindergarten.  Signing her up for a sport and watching her team win games.  Helping her with her first big project in school.  All of these things in Rayah’s life should have had my mother in it.

I know what joy it brings to a child’s life to have her mother and if I could, I would trade all the days I had with her, just so Rayah could have them.

One of the few pictures I have of my sister and mother

One of the few pictures I have of my sister and mother

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