Today marks the 6th anniversary of my mother passing. I feel like it should be easier the sixth time around, but this year hurts more than the last few. I’m constantly dreaming of her now and I know it’s because of all the wedding planning I’m doing.
In one dream, I’m standing in front of a full length mirror wearing my wedding dress and veil. I turn to head down the isle when my veil gets snagged and rips. I start to cry and that’s when my mom appears to tell me everything will be all right. Other dreams with her are about my upcoming nuptials, but there are the few that venture back to when she was alive.
I went on my first dress appointment by my myself because I wanted to be left with my own thoughts knowing I would be thinking of how my mom wasn’t there to see me. Now, each time I see myself in my wedding dress, her face appears in my head and I have to choke back tears and sobs. Planning the wedding of my dreams has caused these painful emotions to bubble up once again and I’m constantly trying not to think of the day she left us.
I keep telling myself “You know she’s with you right now, watching over you“, but it’s not fair that she isn’t physically here. I would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and tell her about how our wedding is progressing. To ask for her opinion on the type of flowers we should get or if I should wear my hair up or down.
I know that on one of the happiest days of my life, I won’t be standing in front of the full length mirror and see my mother’s reflection looking back at me. She’ll just be living in my memory.
Knowing that I’m going to me marrying the man of my dreams makes it better and I know that she would have loved him. I also have many family members and friends who will be with me to share in my happiness that day. I will have my wonderful step-mother and future mother-in-law who have graciously taken the place of “mother” in my life.
I feel blessed and fortunate to have people in my life that care about me and love me. I just wish my mom wasn’t gone.
Lisa Michelle Miller
November 9, 1963 – September 20, 2008